Hayate's Day Off
by cg2006
Summary: Hayate gets a day off...and a free laptop! What will become of this day? Oneshot


**I DON'T OWN THE GREAT **:cough: **JOUNINS OF NARUTO**. I'm sure tehy totally pwn you though. :3 there.

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One sunny hot afternoon in Konoha, one jounin named Hayate was lazing around in his apartment. It was rare that a ninja would ever get a day free of missions, but that's exactly what Hayate got. He was determined to make it worthwhile and did everything he ever wanted to do, but all that only took up a small portion of time. He felt like an old man who had been eager to retire only to find out it wasn't as great as he thought. It was just so damn boring! 

Cough. "Ugh, it's so damn boring," Hayate groaned with his hands behind his head. He leaned back in his chair, sporting the most bored expression on his face. He got up from his chair with a sigh and decided to take a very, very short walk around his place that wasn't very big. Shoving his hands deep into his pockets he decided to trudge around. A bit of exercise wouldn't hurt.

Suddenly the door bell rang. Hayate, who had just gone by the door, backed up and took a hand out of his pocket to answer the door. Some weird guy in a bright yellow jumpsuit stood at his door with a large box and a wide toothy grin. The jounin cocked an eyebrow and coughed.

"Um, may I help you?" he coughed again.

The weird man only grinned wider (if that was possible) and announced spontaneously, "Hi! My name is Bob! Here is your free laptop worth around $1,599.99!" He said this all very fast and dropped the cardboard box at Hayate's feet and pulled out a clipboard out of nowhere. "I need you to sign this, sir, and it's all yours!"

Hayate coughed again and hesitantly took the pen and signed his name. Taking the clipboard back, Bob picked up the big box again and handed it to his customer. Giving a big grin and a hasty salute, Bob disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"Um…" He was still staring at the lingering smoke, but shook his head to bring himself back to earth. He looked down at the box and with another little cough, he turned around and strolled back into his room.

Hayate sat down at his kitchen table and took out a kunai to slice open the box. After leafing through layers of Styrofoam and delightful bubble wrap, he unearthed a sleek metal object. He pulled it out and flipped it around to inspect it. It was a light silver color with a black and white emblem on the top. (1) Seeing a button on the side, he pushed it and the top popped open.

"Aah…" Hayate remembered now. He had seen Kakashi ordering the new Icha Icha Paradise volumes online one day on one of these things. He tapped the on button and sat back in his chair, waiting for it to load. When it did, he opened up the Internet and browsed through today's news. One news headline said: BIG TIME HACKER CAUGHT… Hayate clicked on the article and read through it. This hacker had hacked into hundreds of networks before, even the government's once. The guy had tried to break into one of the military's networks again but somehow ended up getting caught in the FBI networks.

"What a careless mistake…" Hayate scoffed. But this gave him an idea. "What if…what if I hacked into the Sound Village's networks?!! Yeah! I can hack into their computers and then find out their location!" Hayate jumps up from his chair and pumps a fist in the air. "Then once I find out their location, we'll ambush them we'll get that Orochimaru bastard!!"

Lightning flashes and thunder booms behind Hayate's silhouette as he laughs maniacally.

"Muahaha!! Ha! Ha…? Erm, cough," He sits back down wondering how the special fx's got there, but he crackes his knuckles and gets down to business.

-----Late in the Night-----

"Grumble grumble…"

Hayate gives a dry cough and sips a cup of cold coffee.

"Almost…in…" He moans and lets his face fall onto the keypad.

"Gszxvnweotimnblskghr" He mumbles/types.

Suddenly Hayate's apartment door burst open, and behind it was Genma.

"Yo, Hayate! You still up? Watchya doin'?" he asked/shouted in Hayate's ear.

Hayate lifted his face from the keyboard and squinted up groggily at his friend. _How can he be so _loud_ and _hyper_ at this time of night?_ He wondered as he watched Genma yak and yak about who knows what.

Then Hayate's laptop announced, "You have successfully hacked into—"

"Say, what's that?" Genma asked, pointing at the laptop.

"It's a laptop."

Genma snorted. "State the obvious. Whatcha up to? You playing a game or something?" He peered closer at the screen but Hayate frantically covered it up with his hands.

"N-nothing!" He stuttered nervously. Genma narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Suddenly Hayate started coughing. This was normal, so Genma tapped his foot as he waited for Hayate to stop coughing and give him an explanation to his odd behavior. But after a few seconds, Hayate still kept coughing.

"Hayate?" Genma asked cautiously.

"COUGH COUGH HACK HACK COUGH!!!" Hayate's face began to redden. He doubled over on the ground and kept coughing loudly and persistently.

"Hayate?! OMG, Hayate! Don't die on me dude! We'll get you to the hospital!!"

Hayate went unconscious.

-----At the Hospital-----

"Hayate?" Someone waved a hand anxiously in his face as Hayate slowly opened his eyes.

"Oh My God, He's ALIVE!!" Genma screamed and pounced on his friend. The hospitalized man's eyes went wide and he started coughing violently again. Genma was pulled off of him by Kurenai and Gai.

"Don't make him any worse, Genma!" the woman scolded.

"My bad…" Genma muttered apologetically. He sat back down next to Hayate on his bed in a more civilized manner. Hayate was handed a cup of water from Kakashi.

"Feeling better?" he asked. Hataye took a sip of water and managed to croak out, "Yes."

A doctor in a white coat came in with a clip board.

"Nice to see you're up," he nodded at Hayate, who nodded back.

"How is he?" Kurenai asked.

"Well, he's just got a little hacking cough. His lungs seem to be irritated. Were you in any sort of … accident or something of the sort?" the doctor asked Hayate, who coughed again.

"Um, I was in a large fire when I was little… I had barely gotten out in time and I inhaled quite a bit of smoke…" he said.

"Oh,, what a sad youth!" Gai cried. The other 3 jounins and the doctor sweat dropped when the saw the sparkling tears flow down Gai's face.

"Er, well, anyway, that may just be the source of your cough. Another symptom you have is dark circles under your eyes. That and your hacking cough together…" The doctor pushed up his glasses, blinding Genma and Hayate, and shrugged. "It may just be some sort of allergies."

"Allergies?! To what?!!"

The doctor just shrugged again and scuttled out the door.

"Where's Asuma?" Hayate asked after the short period of silence.

"He's out taking a smoke," Genma said. "We didn't need him making your condition worse, as Mother Hen Kurenai said. You didn't hear? They were pretty loud…" The hen glared at Genma.

"Oh." There was another silence. Trying to spark a conversation, Genma mentions, "You heard of that new hacker?"

"They broke into the Sound village," Kakashi said, temporarily looking up from his book.

"Yeah, isn't that awesome?! I mean, the Sound's got Kabuto Yakushi! Remember? That kid was like a genius!"

_Oh, no!_ Hayate thought. _Do they know about my mad ninja hacking skills?!_

"That hacker dude must be a genius! Wonder who it was?"

_Okay, maybe they don't know…_

"Erm…I guess I should tell you guys…" Hayate began. He was interrupted by Genma.

"OH NO! You got someone pregnant?!"

Kurenai accidentally snorted loudly, and blushed. Gai was still weeping about Hayate's "sad tale". Kakashi and Hayate both cocked an eyebrow.

"Uh, no. I mean to tell you guys, the hacker was—"

"OI! Who want some COFFEE?!!" Asuma shouted when he barged into the room, interrupting Hayate a second time. Kakashi, Genma, Kurenai, and Gai's attention focused on Asuma and they all scrambled up to him for some caffeine. Asuma gave a cup to Kakashi and one to Kurenai but held the last cup away from Gai and Genma.

"This one's for me!" he grinned. Genma started whining like a puppy.

"Coffee!" he yelped. "COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE! MUST… HAVE…!" He tried to reach for it but Asuma pushed him away by the forehead and sipped the steaming hot coffee.

"Nope!!" He said cheerfully. It was fun torturing Genma like that. Gai was sitting in the corner with an aura of doom and tears streamed down his face once again. He mumbled, "Asuma…meanie…no coffee…"

"So, Hayate," Kakashi said after the little coffee break. "What were you going to tell us?"

"Um…I…I was the hacker. I hacked into the Sound's network." he confessed.

Coffee was sprayed all over the clean white room from three different mouths in unison. Genma stopped squirming for coffee, seeing it was contaminated now and backed off with a look that said "eew! How immature!" Gai's aura of doom lifted and he miraculously stopped crying. Asuma, Kurenai, and Kakashi wiped their mouths, but all 5 jounins continued gaping at their hospitalized friend. Kakashi recovered first.

"You?! You say you're the one who hacked into their computer?!"

"Well…er, yeah," said Hayate.

"But it takes a _genius_ to do that!" Asuma exclaimed. "A genius like Shikamaru! Maybe Shikamaru might not even be able to do that! It takes _patience_ to do something like that! You have neither!"

"You sure you did that? You're…weird hacking cough might have caused you to hack out a couple of precious brain cells and messed up a few memories…"

"Kakashi, be nice!" Kurenai scolded. "Although if I remember right, Hayate, your academy average _was_ around 60 or so, wasn't it?"

"Are you all doubting my intelligence?" Hayate asked, offended. "For the last time, _yes_, it was me!"

"So, you're not joking. You really did hack into their computers?"

Hayate let out an exasperated sigh that was followed by a cough. "For the LAST AND _FINAL_ TIME, YES, it was ME! I had been online the whole afternoon and night yesterday, trying to get in! I'd stayed up pretty late too. Then I finally got in and then Genma burst into my apartment."

"So that's what you were doing on your laptop the night before!" Genma shouted.

Everyone sweat dropped. "A bit slow, aren't you Genma?" someone mumbled.

"Well! He could have been doing anything!" Genma retorted. "He could have been on a porn site for all I know!" Hayate choked while he was sipping from his glass of water. Asuma thumped him on the back and Genma continued, "Then the laptop said 'you have successfully hacked into' something or other and I thought he was playing one of those online games! Then he keeled over and started ha-hacking…" Genma trailed off and started laughing. Everyone stared at him in confusion and then Kakashi chuckled softly and so did Asuma. Kurenai stifled a giggle behind her hand and Gai roared with laughter. Hayate looked annoyed.

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

The others stopped laughing already though Gai was still rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

"Oh the youthful irony of it all!" he bellowed. Hayate still looked puzzled as his friends smiled.

"The hacker is down with the hacking cough!"

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The ending was kinda lame, sorry…but the point of the story is the last line there anyway. OMG IDIOTS!! Sorry, um, I'm watching something on ebay and the price was only like $3 and stupid two idiots bumped it all the way up to $30!! Gah! I was gonna get that!! 

(1) hm… didn't mean for it, I just randomly put three colors together, but I guess that makes it a Gateway_? I don't own gateway…_

ReViEwS aRe VeRy WeLcOmE!!! i'd love to know what people think of this! it's like my first non sasunaru story i think. XD lmao.


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